Reminder: You’re 100% in control of your life

For any time in the future where I might doubt myself, feel inadequate, or insecure. I will come back to this post and remember that I was once strong enough to write all these empowering statements. And I will keep going. (Am also using this as a chance to display some of my recent self-portraits!)

Sometimes I feel stuck in my situation. I think about how things would be easier if only… Other times I feel helpless, like I can’t do anything to help myself. It’s as if things can only change if everyone else did something different. I also feel miserable because of all the things happening to me. How can I possibly react any other way?

I really doubt I’m the only one feeling these type of ways. Only in the last two months, I’ve come to the realisation that I can take everything in my own hands. There is so much that I have control over, more than I’ve ever given myself credit for anyway.

Our actions stem from our current goals, not from our circumstances.

To some degree, I’ve always had an insecurity that Yibo (my boyfriend) doesn’t care about me like I do. Subconsciously, I think I’m always projecting this insecurity when we interact. If he takes too long to reply a message, I feel that he’s simply not bothered with checking his phone. If he leaves my message on read, I think that he might be ignoring me. The facts don’t matter, because I will alter every situation to fit my goal: feeling like he doesn’t care. Truth is, if I feel insecure about our relationship, all signs will always point to it. I wasn’t feeling insecure because of his actions, I was insecure because I didn’t allow myself to think otherwise.

I can’t control how he feels. It’s not my responsibility to make sure other people feel positively towards me. How much work would that be??? I can only control how I feel and what I do. If I think my partner’s actions are making me feel a certain way, I can communicate with him to work on how to change things. (Yes, at times my insecurities and overactive mind still get me without realising, but I’m much better at catching the signs than before!)

With that realisation, I also had to face the fact that sometimes I feel miserable/stuck/helpless because I want to. It affects how I react to situations, how I respond to people, and how I digest whatever that’s happening to me. It wasn’t only for my relationship though, this destructive behaviour was evident in so many other aspects of my life.

I know it sounds ridiculous, like why in the world would anyone want to feel so miserable or defeated all the time? Well because it’s easier to stay miserable than to put in the work and try to change things through your own actions. It’s usually due to the inner insecurities, fears, doubts that you’re projecting onto yourself.

I’ve been doing photography on the side for a while now. My absolute dream is to be able to do it full-time as a freelance photographer. I follow so many freelance photographers on Instagram, and I see them killin’ it every day. I want to be like them. They’re around my age, female photographers too, and using the exact same gear as me. If we’re that similar, then why am I not seeing the same level of success? I attributed it to many things – there’s a bigger client base where they’re located; they studied photography in college; they started doing photography wayyy earlier than I did…etc. So I tell myself things like “it’s too late for me now to be taking it seriously”, “I lack the creativity and skills that they have”, or “I’m too tired from work to invest more time”.

I noticed that I’m always making excuses for myself. Believing that “it’s too late” or “I’m not good enough” will mean that no matter how hard I tried, I will never achieve the same success as the people I’m looking up to. And that’s complete bullshit, right? If you’re reading this, you see it too right? If you want something, you need to commit to it. Committing your mind to a goal is also important. In fact, it might be the thing that makes or breaks everything. If you’re determined on thinking you’ll never be good enough, you’ll think all things point towards that statement.

We can take matters into our own hands. We can choose how we react to situations.

Sometimes it’s REALLY easier to convince yourself that you’re held back by factors that you have ZERO control over. If you think you’re too old for something, there’s no way you can turn back time. If you think you will never be good enough than someone else, then I don’t think there’s anyone who could convince you otherwise. And since you’re held back by these things, and you can’t change them, I guess it makes total sense that you can never succeed. Then life’s easier. You continue feeling sad about your unachieved goals, but you’ll never have to actually put in the work to try and reach them.

Instead of being upset at all the things you can’t control,
think about what you have control over.

I’ve learnt from another book I read (Make Time: How to Focus on what Matters Every Day by Jake Knapp & John Zeratsky), that my goal for the day is very important. It influences how I perceive the happenings of the day, and even my mood. All the choices you make within the day should be to get nearer to the goal.
Examples of daily goals:
– Finish writing a blog post
– No working after 7pm
– Relax and do nothing

A goal doesn’t have to be tangible. Sometimes it could serve as a motto for the day. “Relax and do nothing” isn’t an actual task. I treat it more like a mindset for the day. I used to feel bad about sleeping in on the weekends, because I felt like I had wasted good productive hours of my day. But I should only feel bad about it if my goal of the day was to be productive and say write 3 blog posts and edit 2 videos. If my goal was to relax and enjoy my weekend, I should be thankful that I had two additional hours of sleep.

You can change your goal mid-day! Setting a goal the previous day or the morning of, doesn’t mean it’s set in stone. Nothing is set in stone, because everything is your call to make. For example, I had a productive weekend of video editing planned, but I got consumed building the most amazing glass house on Sims instead. I could enjoy playing the game, then feel disappointed at myself for wasting the weekend away. OR I could just indulge in my current obsession with Sims and let myself enjoy it over this weekend. (This is a true story. I ended up finishing an entire 9h audiobook – really good book btw – while interior-designing my dream home hahaha. I certainly felt that my time was well spent.)

Recently, I’ve also adopted a journalling exercise that I read on this article. It’s an emotion tracker recommended by a therapist. Whenever I feel an overwhelming emotion along the day, I’d write it down (to vent, and to track). I’d also write down what triggered it, and if it was something I could control. Sometimes I do my reflections before I go to sleep too.

An example:
Feeling/Emotion: Annoyed
Trigger: Someone in my life was being really negative, and I didn’t like that I had to deal with it since we’re required to keep in close contact for various reasons.
What I can do: I can choose not to let the negativity get to me. Just because they chose to have a bad day, doesn’t mean I should have one too. I’ll trust that the feeling will pass for them, and not be too bothered by it.

This exercise has really helped me cope with negativity and whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I try to track the positive emotions too (though there isn’t as much need to unpack why I’m happy lol), just so I remember that there is positivity in every day. It doesn’t have to be a daily activity anyway. So far I’ve only used it when I feel that writing everything down will help to calm myself down. No matter how much realisation I go through, I’m still vulnerable to meltdowns and irrational emotions like anger, annoyance, and such. I try not to see it as a step backwards from my current progress, but instead, see it as simple traits of being human. To accept that experiencing emotion is a normal, human thing to do.

REMEMBER: YOU’RE ALWAYS IN CONTROL.

This will be a reminder for anyone who’s reading this. This is your life, and everything is your call to make. Don’t let anyone or anything make you believe otherwise.

This is also a reminder to myself. For the moments in the future where I might doubt myself, feel inadequate, or insecure, I will always remember that I was once strong enough to write all these empowering statements. And I will keep going.

I hope this works the same for you too.