Maybe that’s why we work (Part II)

Happy Valentine’s Day! On a holiday dedicated to celebrating love, I decided to write this post – summing up some of the lessons I’ve learnt through my relationship over the years. If you don’t know already, I have a boyfriend (Yibo) who I’ve been dating since secondary school. THAT’S A LONG TIME. It’s also why while I’m only turning 25 this year, I feel like such an oldie when it comes to relationships and dating.

In 2016, I wrote a post called “Maybe that’s why we work.” It’s a really short one, but I still think it’s one of my best posts, and I still believe in everything I wrote. I’ve had friends ask me how Yibo and I keep it going for so long, or how we’re like on our own, because we seem really chill and no frills most of the time. However, that isn’t always the case.

Disclaimer: I’m not preaching on what a perfect relationship should be, nor am I trying to shame anyone on their relationship. I’m no expert so don’t quote me on anything here. I’m just a regular girl sharing her thoughts, that’s all heh.

And so, here are some of the reasons why I think our relationship ‘works’:

Encouraging each other to be our best selves

We are often better at giving advice to others than ourselves. Sometimes we need our closest ones to tell us what we need to hear the most. It might not sound kind, it might even come off mean, but remember that they always comes from a place of love. I don’t ever say anything with the intention to hurt Yibo, and so I try to remind myself that he doesn’t either. I get defensive quite often, even though sometimes he’s absolutely right and it’s what I need to hear. I’d snap because I don’t understand why Yibo sounds so confrontational, and he gets upset because I don’t see his frustrations.

We are often better at giving advice to others than ourselves. Sometimes we need our closest ones to tell us what we need to hear the most.

I guess we don’t agree with each other for the sake of it. But we give each other sound advice when we need it. Like when I tell Yibo not to choose fast food for dinner when he already had a really unhealthy lunch… Or when he tells me to go to the gym instead of lazing when I don’t feel like it. I can only speak for myself. I was never really ambitious, in fact, I feel that I would’ve gone for much lower goals if not for him pushing me to go beyond.

This doesn’t just apply to your significant others! It applies to everyone in your life. I’d like to only surround myself with people who make me a better person. POSITIVE VIBES ONLY IN 2019. It’s a new resolution for the year.

Not being afraid to disagree

We always have to choose our battles. Some fights are petty and shouldn’t happen, while others have to be had in order to resolve an important issue. So I try (my best) to avoid those petty fights, and not shy away from the others. It’s impossible to avoid conflict when you’re in a relationship, many would agree. I’d never want Yibo to feel like he can’t speak up about something he’s unhappy with, the same way I wouldn’t want to lie to him about my feelings. A friend once told me that if you avoid an issue, you’re just sweeping them under the carpet, it doesn’t get rid of it.

I’d never want my partner or friend to feel like they can’t speak up about something they are unhappy with, the same way I wouldn’t want to lie to them about my feelings.

I’m always trying to be a better partner. If I feel that Yibo’s unhappy about something, I want to find out how I can do better. Not in a way where I’m trying to please him 24/7 though, we’re having these conversations very rationally. Following that same thought, there are also ways in which I feel he can become a better partner for me. I won’t say I’m always receptive when Yibo points something out, but I (try to) make a conscious effort to understand his perspectives. That’s the same expectation I have for him, and I take great comfort in knowing that he listens (at times – disagreements are challenging after all). I’d be lying if I said there is no harm in disagreeing with your partner, but so long as you have a common goal to resolve the issue, I think you’ll be alright.

I’d be lying if I said there is no harm in disagreeing with your partner, but so long as you have a common goal to resolve the issue, I think you’ll be alright.

Last but not least, remember that agreeing to disagree is okay. Being a couple doesn’t mean that you have to agree on every. damn. thing. That’s why you have friends! 😏

Making an active choice to respond kindly

Yibo and I have argued over many mediums (HAHA) – in person, over the phone, or over text. Mostly we have our arguments over text, because we don’t see each other every day. A few months back, I was searching through my chat history, and I chanced upon a conversation when we were fighting. Scrolling through that, I realised there were many different ways I could’ve responded, which could’ve helped us avoid the fight, or made it less heated. Of course, I also recognised that he could’ve said certain things differently. In an argument, emotions get high, and we sometimes say things we don’t mean. But awareness is the first step!

I realise now that each time I respond to Yibo (or anyone else for that matter), I am making an active choice for my attitude, my tone, and the words I use.

With that understanding, I now have less tolerance for statements like “I had/have no choice!!!” I realise now that each time I respond to Yibo (or anyone else for that matter), I am making an active choice for my attitude, my tone, and the words I use. Over the recent months while I was stressed out and anxious, Yibo has been so patient and helpful. In the past, I would’ve expected him to get annoyed with my emotions, but he knew all the right things to say to make me feel better. That’s when I recognised that he was making an effort to respond better to me and it meant a lot. We’ve come so far!!! -sheds a tear-

Apologising to each other

Unlike in romcoms where the guy typically apologises first (🙄), I don’t think it’s very realistic in the actual world. That’s not to say it’s unhealthy if your partner or you always gives in first, but I don’t think that works for me. We’ve had our fair share of arguments, big and small. Some of them left us in a cold war for days, while others left us talking on the phone till the wee hours at night. Those fights were not pretty ugh. But most, if not all of them eventually ended with us being able to say “I love you” without feeling salty. What has really helped was that we each make effort to identify something we could’ve done differently/better. Then we apologise for it. It’s typically something like “Sorry I overreacted” or “Sorry for making assumptions”. It’s really rare that there is only one person at fault during a couple’s argument, especially if it was stupid and petty! Think from the other person’s perspective, and try to understand why they felt what they felt, and how your actions/words may have contributed to that. That really helps me.

Think from the other person’s perspective, and try to understand why they felt what they felt, and how your actions/words may have contributed to that.

Yibo and I had a fight on our flight back from China last December, and we were about to land in Singapore feeling all upset, until I asked, “Can I apologise for something, and you apologise for something too?” There was a long pause before he said “Okay.” PHEW. Omg in those few seconds I swore I was gonna combust if he had said no LOL. And so we managed to end our trip on a good note!

Yibo and I have been together for a long, long time. We’ve passed so many milestones together, like the A levels, enlistment, university, and now working life. I’ve also got to relive some of our worst and stupidest arguments too, while I was preparing for this post. And wow how far have we come!!! Today, I think this post is my version of a love letter to him.

Thank you for being with me over all these years, for making me a better version of myself, and for listening to me and telling me what I need to hear. Thank you for being the partner who gives me the confidence to write a blog post like this. Although you can frustrate me at times, know that I’m thankful for you every day. I know we don’t have our whole lives figured out yet. But if it’s with you, I’ll be alright. I love you.

Do you agree with my thoughts? Do you personally relate?! Hit me up if you’d like to share your thoughts, I’m always open to listen!