It’s okay to not be okay.

Recently I’ve felt my mind clouded with a lot of negative thoughts. I’ve been trying to distract myself with watching variety shows, editing photos, creating TikToks… But whenever I have some quiet time, I feel those negative thoughts creeping back into my head and it’s just been unsettling.

checking in with myself

Don’t get me wrong, having down days like these doesn’t take away any progress I’ve made for my mental health this year. All the self-help books and mental exercises I’ve learnt have been put to good use. Instead of letting my negative feelings come to a slow boil (meaning an explosion is coming), I let all my feelings show. I use writing to externalise everything so I can categorise them better.

I start by unpacking all the feelings that I’ve having. I try to identify which are facts, and which are just irrational fears that come from my own assumptions. This really calms my mind because I focus my mind solely on the things I can control. It’s so that I don’t slip into a negative spiral like I used to in the past. By being honest with myself, I recognised that I wasn’t being kind to myself with negative self-talk.

my feelings

Frankly I’ve just been feeling quite neurotic recently. While I’m out shooting photos, I’m ecstatic. I’m so engrossed in the moment and so distracted by the amazing shots we’re getting, that all I feel is the elation. But once I get home and settle down in my chair, I feel the dark clouds coming. All of a sudden it feels as though my happiness just an hour ago was a different person. Who even was that? Was I fake happy then? Or am I fake sad now?

Because I felt that I had to be consistent to one mood, I struggled with sharing positive things or displaying happy feelings. I thought that conflicted with my negative thoughts inside. It made me slightly abrasive, defensive even. Especially to my boyfriend hahaha poor dude.

it’s one thing to talk yourself through your feelings, and another to talk to someone else.

I did plenty of reflection on my own. There was introspection, questioning myself on which thoughts were rational and which weren’t. I checked in with myself on whether I could be kinder to myself and just focus on the things I can control (I wrote an entire other post on this). This always helps. I’ve been training my brain to equip myself with these resilient thought patterns so I don’t easily slip into negative spirals. Practice makes perfect, so it’s been helping. But there’s just something different about having someone else break down these thoughts for you.

While I knew some of my concerns were irrational, I wanted to share them with my boyfriend just to confide in him. That in itself took a long time because I was being wishy-washy about wanting to share my unnecessary negative thoughts. When I finally told him all that I was feeling (it’s not relationship problems btw), he simply responded with, “But you’re not perfect, no one is. If you were, you wouldn’t have these problems.”

i’m not perfect, and that’s okay. the most important thing is we keep growing.

What he said could sound offensive to some partners (haha), but not to me. Although that wasn’t new information, it was a really timely reminder for me. I realised that I wasn’t giving myself love recently because I was obsessing over my imperfections. I kept picking at these personal flaws and felt like a failure because of it. Instead, I should’ve been acknowledging I’m only human, and that’s okay. We don’t have to be perfect all the time, and that’s unrealistic too. All I had to do was to see my shortcomings, address them, and move on to my solutions for them. There is no progress in obsessing over things I didn’t do right. I should focus on growing from these realisations, and think of what I can do moving forward.

I already had solutions and my next steps ready. But I just couldn’t let go of that self-hatred I had for having those flaws in the first place. It was completely unnecessary! To reference one of my favourite K-dramas recently, it is okay to not be okay. Make sure that you’re not stagnating or being left behind. Make sure you’re always growing from your mistakes. You don’t even have to call it ‘mistakes’ if there’s a negative connotation. Grow from your experiences. Growth should be the only priority. Do everything within your power to grow and change. That’s the best step moving forward.

Do everything within your power to grow and change.

How have you been feeling lately? I recommend writing everything out. This sure helped me package all my thoughts for greater clarity 🙂