How I practise self-love in my relationship

Self-love has been widely talked about and celebrated on social media in recent years, yet I never really understood it. I only knew I supported it. Only recently have I started to understand how to make myself a priority and treat myself right. As I focused on self-love, I struggled to balance love for myself, versus for my partner. For a while, I even wondered if I was growing out of my relationship, since we’ve been together for ten years. It’s been a learning process, but I believe I know how to prioritise myself in a relationship now.

Just because you can live without someone, doesn’t mean you want to.

I came across this quote from an audiobook recently and it hit me so hard. Romcoms, chick lit, and kdramas have conditioned me to believe that my significant other should be someone I can’t live without. Pop culture has romanticised the idea of finding your other half, or feeling “complete” when you find your special someone. “I’m scared of losing you”, is seen as a valid reason/excuse to demand more affection or affirmation from your partner, and for them to accept your possessive and/or obsessive tendencies. I’d developed unrealistic expectations for my relationships, where I was constantly comparing my relationship to fantasies projected in fiction. It inevitably made me neglect self-love.

We wake up every day choosing to be with each other, even though we don’t have/need to.

I disagree with all of that. I don’t want to feel like I had to depend on another person to feel grounded or stable. Those are feelings that I should find within myself. I should always feel strong, independent, and confident, because I love myself. Being in a relationship is a choice. Having a partner should be making life better, and more enjoyable, not to make yourself feel whole.

In fact, once I started thinking of my relationship as an active choice, everything felt lighter, and more meaningful at the same time. We want to be better together, and we want to be better for each other. We wake up every day choosing to be with each other, even though we don’t have/need to.

Read also: Maybe that’s why we work (Part II)

Prioritise yourself.

I used to, and sometimes still think that compliance will make me a better partner. I’d do things I didn’t enjoy, if I thought it was what my partner wanted. Subconsciously, I’d develop feelings of resentment towards him, because of the “compromises” I’d made for him. I think we’re all vulnerable to making this mistake. We expect our partners to know what we want, while assuming we know what they want. It just sounds like a recipe for disaster. We get into fights most of the time because we’re so caught up trying to please each other, that we end up doing the opposite.

Love and respect yourself enough to prioritise your own needs. Communicate openly. You have every right to say no to things, and you don’t have to feel bad about it. Never feel like you have to satisfy or fulfil your partner’s every need. If your partner loves and respects you as an individual, they shouldn’t feel offended or slighted because you spoke your mind. And this can refer to a variety of things, as trivial as deciding what to eat, or initiating physical intimacy. It sounds silly, but I need to always remind myself that humans can’t read minds. We need to communicate everything openly in order for us to understand each other’s thoughts and feelings.

Take charge of your own happiness. Don’t depend on your partner for it.

I feel my partner should, to some degree, help me feel secure, safe, and loved in the relationship. But I should also love and treasure myself enough so I’m not waiting on someone else to make me feel good about myself. Whatever he does for me should be complementary or supplementary to how I already feel. Practising self-love means making yourself a priority.

I should love and treasure myself enough to not wait on someone else to make me happy.

I used to think emotional dependence was THE thing you look for in a relationship. Unloading my problems and negative feelings onto my partner was perfectly normal, in the name of “confiding in my partner”. Cracks really only started to show last year when I was having a really rough time. I’d spend almost every day sharing my woes with Yibo and depending on him to help me get through things. At some point, I no longer felt his words/actions were enough, and he had nothing left to give because my constant bouts of negativity drained him. We concluded that I had to take responsibility for my problems, after having repeated fights about my pattern of behaviour.

Read: Reminder: You’re 100% in control of your life

I had to take action if I didn’t want to be stuck in this negative hole and be unhappy all the time. Since then, I’ve equipped myself with self-help resources that teach me how to change my negative thought patterns into positive ones, and how to manage my emotional triggers. I’ve even drawn up an action plan for Yibo and I because I didn’t want my stress meltdowns or depressive episodes to be a source of tension again. Instead of blindly expecting him to know how to help me, I told him the specific things to say and do.

We agreed on two things:
1. I would clearly communicate whenever I needed extra attention/care from him.
2. He would stick to the action plan and put it to action whenever he recognised that I required reinforcements.

Have confidence in yourself, and in your relationship.

This last point is the anchor of everything I’ve mentioned above. Practising self-love means being kind to yourself. Talk to yourself as if you’re talking to a close friend – be kind, encouraging, and nurturing. Be your own cheerleader. Situations are never as helpless as you think it is, and you always have the power to change things for yourself.

Believe that you’re worthy of love, and you’re always good enough. Be confident to show vulnerability, and to show strength. Have confidence in yourself and your partner when it comes to your relationship. If you love each other and are willing to work together, you can always emerge stronger. If anything, the past months have brought Yibo and I closer, and I’m more confident than ever about facing future challenges together. That made me believe that self-love and my love for him could coexist.

Self-love is a learning process.

Everything I’ve written so far is, well, easier said than done. Self-love is something I’m still working on every day, and I depend on many reminders to keep myself on track. I believe that if you put in the time and effort, you’ll see results! I have about 10 sticky notes around my desk that serve as empowering reminders, for whenever I may need them. Personally, I’ve also found that journalling helps in identifying my triggers and unpacking my thoughts. Receiving support from Yibo has been helpful too, because I know we are both committed to grow into better versions of ourselves. I’m thankful that I could make all this progress and self-discovery with him by my side.

If you’ve read everything, I hope there was something here that resonated with you. No matter what you’re dealing with right now, I hope you get through it while being kind to yourself. Self-love should be the priority. You are the most important person in your life.